Handle them sensitively yet with honesty

With the novel coronavirus hitting the globe, many families were left staggered to their feet with medical emergencies, untimely death of their loved ones. What began with a learning loss resulted in weakened financial conditions and also, in many cases, the loss of parents, grandparents or loved ones for children. Usually, when it comes to talking about death with children, adults don’t know how to start the conversation or how and what exactly to say.

Here’s how you can explain what happened. While explaining about death to children, it is critical that they are handled most sensitively yet with honesty. It’s important for an adult (whom the child feels safe and comfortable to interact with) to talk to him or her in a quiet place. Conversations help to create an open and comforting environment that allows them to question and freely express their thoughts and feelings.

You can begin with explaining what death is. For example, you might say, “When a person dies, his or her body stops working. The heart stops beating and the body stops moving, eating, and breathing.”

Many times, younger children may not realise that death is permanent and ask questions like “when will Naani come back?” and “I want to show Papa what I made”. Phrases such as “he is gone into long sleep,” “your loss,” and “passed away” may seem gentler but can also confuse the young children, who often think literally. They may think if the relatives look for the “lost” loved one, he or she could be found. Hence, it’s important to reaffirm the facts gently, and reassert death with most honesty.

Children go through waves of emotions when something like this happens in their life. They experience anger, frustration, anxiety and build a story that it might have happened because of a certain reason. Remind them that nothing they did caused the death or there’s nothing that can reverse it.

Also, sometimes it is natural for children to feel angry or disappointed with the family member for leaving them alone or when a close relative passed away. In such a situation, one must allow kids to express themselves freely and assure that feeling this way is alright by saying something like “I know you’re upset that Mom died. Sometimes I feel like that, too.”

However, children can develop strong fears about their own personal safety or about the death of the surviving parent. And that’s when their fears need to be addressed and they need to know that you are there to take care of them. Grief is a very complex emotion; it is not easy for children to cope with. Sometimes children’s responses can be harsh when coping with the death of their parent or any loved one. Children may have nightmares or scary thoughts. They may not want to talk about the deceased person in any way, inclusive of happy memories. They may experience trouble sleeping, concentrating, and others. If such feelings or behavioural patterns occur to a degree that concerns you, then it’s best to seek professional help.

It may not be possible to prepare fully for the emotions that may follow however, with time they may become easier to process. Remind your children that while change is hard for everyone, you are there for them to get through this time. It’s important that you give them all the information that they need to avoid assumptions leading to confusions.

Maintaining some routines can help children. It’s important to keep the memories of the deceased alive for your children; after all, they still love the deceased person.

Remember grieving is a slow process that requires time. While feelings attached with the loss may never completely go away, with each passing day they can become easier to endure. Give yourself and your children permission to feel happy again. Be assured that the memory of your loved one can live on in the hearts of your family.

(The author is the Managing Trustee at Sesame Workshop India. The views expressed are personal.)