The institutionalisation of motherhood leads women to make choices that they often have no idea about. Bodily autonomy must be respected

Bodily-autonomy’, which refers to the simple idea that women have the right to govern their bodies and should not be made to feel guilty about their choices, is an alien concept in India when it comes to motherhood. Becoming a mother is seen as a natural step after marriage and talks about the ‘ticking the biological clock’ take place casually at family gatherings, wedding functions and even at the workplace.

As a 30-year-old woman married for six years with no intention of planning a family in the near future, I have been called ‘selfish’, ‘deluded’, ‘career-driven’ and even ‘naïve’ by my family, friends and sometimes even acquaintances. Both my husband and I have dreams of pursuing a PhD and understand that parenting is an extremely demanding enterprise, something that we are not yet prepared for. Any attempt to explain this to our loved ones is often met with surprise, fear and judgement, directed predominately towards me. This because being a woman, I am the one who is expected to compromise on my ambitions in order to fulfill my pre-determined destiny as a mother.

Once, as I was sharing my academic dreams with an acquaintance having a charming three-year-old son, she remarked flippantly, “Oh, so basically you still want to enjoy your life right?” I was surprised at the manner in which my desire to pursue research was casually relegated to the domain of ‘fun’ and ‘thrill’ as opposed to the more ‘serious’ task of motherhood. The implication being that the very act of becoming a mother somehow makes women more selfless when compared to voluntary non-mothers like me.

I understand that parenting is an extremely challenging task. I also believe that motherhood is beautiful and the joy that comes with bringing a new being into the universe is exquisite. I have seen the tears of joy of my closest friend when she held her child for the first time and witnessed my cousin’s elation when her child recited Ba Ba Black sheep with perfection. What I have also come across are countless stories of women who regret not spending more time on themselves and their relationships before becoming mothers, stories which languish untold on public platforms because of the fear of ridicule and judgement.

It is, thus, immensely important that society treats motherhood as one of the many life-choices that women make instead of a ‘self-sacrificing ideal’ that women ought to aspire to.

Celebrated Israeli sociologist Orna Donath, in her path-breaking study ‘Regretting Motherhood: A Sociopolitical Analysis’, interviewed 23 Israeli women about their experiences as mothers. All participants regretted becoming mothers and cited ‘social acceptance’ and the close nexus between ‘motherhood’ and ‘womanhood’ as the primary reason for their decision to become mothers. This institutionalisation of motherhood as a ‘rewarding experience’ leads to a situation where women decide to become mothers without a holistic idea of what they are getting into.

Jennifer Neal elucidates the essentially ambiguous and unscientific nature of the assumption that all women have an inherent ‘maternal instinct’ in her 2017 article, ‘Maternal Instinct is a Myth’. This assumption, which lacks a scientific basis, has long been used by patriarchy to push reluctant women into motherhood. Dornath points out how ‘motherhood’ is not a unitary experience and while many might enjoy it, there are some who end up regretting it too.

This feeling of regret and dissatisfaction can also interfere with the child’s upbringing and/or the relationship between the spouses.

So, while we are busy celebrating womanhood in all its glory and magnificence on the occasion of International Women’s Day, it is also important that we champion the cause of a woman’s ‘bodily-autonomy’. We must ensure that women are provided with a safe and nurturing atmosphere which empowers them to take decisions about their body, even when they run counter to normative standards, instead of making them feel guilty or selfish.

(The writer is a Chevening Scholar from University of Glasgow (M.Ed) and works as PGT English teacher at Sachdeva Global School, Dwarka)