Former First Lady Michelle Obama talks about the mentor-mentee relationship, the importance of accepting the idea of failure and what it’s like to be a Black woman today. By Team Viva

When former First Lady Michelle Obama says, “You guys are here, because of real basic qualities that. And that’s honesty, integrity, hard work, and a level of resilience. Those are the kind of things that, you can’t buy and you can’t teach,” she talks about three young women who have been an integral part of her team in the White House — Kristin Jones (research associate), Chynna Clayton (trip director), and Yene Damtew (hair stylist).

The three started working with Michelle in various capacities in the White House, and “they’ve all stayed in my life for years. While I like to say I’ve known them since they were babies, today I count them as true friends.” She calls them her “little sisters” she never had.

In the episode seven, part two, of Spotify’s The Michelle Obama Podcast, she speaks about her mentor-mentee relationships with the three women, what’s going on in the world, and what it’s like to be Black women in this moment in history. Excerpts:

Michelle: You were the child of immigrants...

Yene: Yes. I am first-generation Ethiopian-American, and, my parents came to this country to provide a better life for us, and so, traditionally, when they or anyone thinks of success, or measure success, it’s always about being a doctor, a lawyer or an engineer. I wanted to drop out of college to do hair, which just wasn’t acceptable. Once I even relocated, and took a position. I moved to D.C. I remember my dad didn’t talk to me for three months. My mother tried to smoothen the things between us. She explained him, “It’s okay, she’s taking care of herself financially.”

But yes, given that I come from a Black family in the United States, there was a whole lot of debate about how I was going to pull it off because there was this pre-set path that my family had created for me. I realised that the way my parents looked at success was very limited. By American culture, by African culture, so for me, it just became that I am going to do it. I wanted to show them that I could still make something of myself if I don’t work in an office.

Michelle: What would you say to someone who’s now in the place you were about 10 years ago?

Yene: Bet on yourself, trust your gut and don’t be scared to reach out to someone or ask for help. Well, I’d slide in somebody’s DM with intent, right, to learn from them. And that’s probably the greatest thing. No one’s going to root for you like you can for yourself. Know that there are other people too out there who are just like you, have had the same hardships and failures, trials and triumphs. So, just keep betting on yourself and trust your gut.

I think, If I didn’t trust my gut, I would’ve never worked with Michelle Obama. If I didn’t decide to drop out of college to do hair, this would’ve never happened. I’m not anything special. I didn’t come from money. My mother was a waitress, and my father has his own company. I am just an average middle class child of immigrants but look at where my life has taken me. It’s all because I listened to that little voice inside of me.

Kristin: What would you say about finding the mentor?

Michelle: A lot of times, people think mentors are famous people, people with titles, achievements, and those who they see out in the world. But we are all role models. And the one thing I don’t like is the people who have a platform who say, ‘I’m not a role model.’ Well, you have a choice. Don’t be out there because if you are being seen in any way shape or form, there is somebody looking up to you. I always want young people to realise that mentorship starts early. It starts right in your own backyard.

For every young person out there, I don’t care if you’re 12 or 10. There’s somebody younger who is watching you. They are watching how you carry yourself, how you laugh, how you make fun of things, what you wear, there is always somebody, right behind you, looking, at how to be. And in that way, we have to carry ourselves with the knowledge that we’re always setting the tone for people behind us.

Michelle: What led you to get off the traditional paths, and make a decision to do something a little more risky? What gave you the courage? Was it the fact that you were born in Black families...

Kristin:  I think I’ve always had that in me. In some way, I was always fine kind of closing my eyes and jumping in the deep end. It was never like as thoughtful or meditative as it maybe should’ve been. I think even if we just look at like the past 10 to 11 years, I know that we’ve talked a lot about failure. And so, even though I’ve had the bravery in me, I think being more and more comfortable with the idea of failure, and being less terrified of it has helped me be a little more mindful. I think that’s helped me be more successful in my risk taking, too.

Michelle: Well I know I talk a lot about not being afraid to fail. That’s one of the most important things I pay attention to, when I talk to young people, because that is the thing we sort of breed into kids for them to know that they have got to get it straight. There’s a certain way to do everything. And a lot of parents try to shield their kids from failure, because as a parent, you just don’t want to see your kids go through that kind of pain, but failure is something that you have to get adjusted to in some way. It’s a natural part of life. You anyway don’t do anything successful without a little stumble. And so many people try to avoid that stumble that they never take the chance. Eventually, they miss out on some really interesting opportunities.

Michelle: So let’s talk about self doubt — the feeling that am I good enough and the baggage that we carry.

Chynna: If I recall the first time I was told that I wasn’t good enough, I was in the first grade and there was a gifted programme at my elementary school. My mother went to my teacher and told her that I want my daughter tested for gifted and the teacher told her, ‘No, she’s not good enough for that.’

Michelle: Those little cuts, I think women, especially Black,  experience them at higher rates than men. We’re always taught, keep to yourself, don’t be vulnerable, don’t share or say it out loud. How do you overcome it?

Chynna: I would say self reflection is something that also helps me to overcome doubt. When you just take the time to sit with your life and its trajectory. When I think back over my life, I realise that from day one, I should’ve been counted out because I was the product of a single parent household, my father went to prison when I was young, and my mother did what she could to make the ends meet. The mere fact that I overcame that, in itself, is powerful. And when I remember how much I’ve done, accomplished or struggled through, it just gives me the power to kind of get it out of my own head. I realise that it’s what you really deserve.

Kristin: What do we do as Black women with feelings of guilt?

Michelle: Well, I don’t think I have all the answers. But I can say that the guilt comes with the feeling that ‘can’t we do more?’ It’s never enough. I feel the guilt. I just don’t know whether I feel it more because I am a Black woman or maybe that’s our nature — of fixing things, nurturing people, being the glue.

In our families and communities, when things fall apart, usually, it’s the women in our lives who keep it going. In the Black community, so many of our men were emasculated, imprisoned, wrongly dealt with, or couldn’t find jobs. The Black men in our community were so destroyed by the systemic, continuous racism that women were the ones left who could’ve kept everything afloat. The country has put so many roadblocks up for men of colour that the burden does fall on us as women. It’s been our legacy as Black women in this country for four hundred years. But like I say, the first thing we have to do is to claim it.