If you want any relationship to stay forever, have a common goal. Don’t focus too much on each other. If two lines are moving in parallel, they can last for infinity. But if they are focused on each other, they will cross and then go far away from each other
You see so often that people like each other, but when they get into relationships, they want their partners to change. This might happen because you expect ideal behavior from your partners. You can expect this from your Guru, but not from others. Don’t let your expectations make you weak. Take responsibility for your happiness. If you give others too much control of your happiness, you are bound to be miserable.
When you take this responsibility, it empowers you from within. When I say, ‘Be responsible for your happiness,’ don’t think, ‘Gurudev, only you can do this, not me!’ Taking responsibility means doing whatever is within your power. Your worries, your feelings, and your thoughts arise in your mind, and only you are responsible for them.
People often tell me, “Gurudev, I cannot forgive this person or that person. I cannot let go of this anger and hurt. What should I do?” I say, hold on to it very tightly. Hold on to the anger and resentment close to you. Breathe in and hold. Is that easy? Do what is easy. Then, it dawns on them that holding on to grudges and disappointments only disturbs their mind, shakes them up from within. Then the letting go simply happens. Sometimes, what seems easy is difficult to do, and what seems difficult makes life easy for you.
Often, when you forgive someone, you think you did them a favour. But forgiveness is a favour to your own self. You free your mind. When you react with anger, you punish yourself for someone else’s actions. Another complaint people come to me with is that they struggle to attract healthy partners or sustain a happy and healthy relationship. It all depends on your vibrations. See, we convey more through our vibrations than our words. One can sit and talk for 2 hours, give a sermon on love. But a puppy wagging its tail when you come home can convey everything about love with just one glance.
If our vibrations are positive, we attract happy and healthy people. And if our vibrations are negative, or doubtful, or greedy (sometimes), we get into relationships with people having similar vibrations. We need to improve our vibrations. We seldom pay attention to this.
For this to happen, first, broaden your awareness. Build your capacity to let go of the past and be in the present moment. Second, meditation and breathing techniques like pranayamas and Sudarshan Kriya, are tried-and-tested techniques to help you manage the negative emotions and purify your presence. When you practice them regularly, you feel light, centered, and happy. Who would not want to be in the company of such a person?
Human nature is to want to be together, express one’s feelings, and share. However, whether or not a relationship endures depends on you and how accepting you are. It is important to leave some room for imperfections. In the world, some things will go your way, and others won’t. There is a hint of compromise in every healthy relationship.
Nowadays, communication has broken down due to high levels of stress, and so has the ability to perceive things beyond one’s emotional bubble. You fail to perceive the needs of your partner! That sense of caring and sharing is necessary to have a healthy relationship.
Relationships mature when you give a higher priority to sharing. Sharing begins where wants and desires end. Happiness is exactly there. Relationships last longer when you think more about giving. Think of how you can contribute more to your relationship. Those relationships that are based on self-interest break down easily.
The spirit of giving also fosters respect for one another. Love and respect have contrasting qualities. While love cannot withstand distance, respect for someone requires distance. Long-lasting relationships are founded on the delicate balance of love and respect.
Mature love leaves room for conflicts. One can never get everything from a relationship. Disagreements will crop up over time. Don’t look for unconditional love in your relationship. If you think of unconditional love, then you become more miserable. It is okay if there is conditional love. Leave some room for conflicts. You don’t want everyone to be just like you; It will be so dull. For conflict has a place. Life becomes more challenging, interesting, and loving.
Emotions like anger are the other side of love. Once, someone asked a man, ‘Why are you angry with your wife?’ The man replied, ‘I would be angry with somebody whom I love, right?’ Let me give you a tip — use humor as a counter to petty disagreements. Humor is very essential in life, and especially in relationships. It can ease the anger. It can bring down the tension in the room when you are busy arguing. It is good to have healthy differences. It makes life more enjoyable. And when there is humor, it wouldn’t be harmful. Without humor, the differences can keep you divided and create distance. Humor is a binding force.
Demand destroys love. If your partner has to prove their love for you day in and day out, it will build pressure in their minds. Proving love is a burden. One cannot prove their love for you with their actions alone. If you feel that your partner is less affectionate towards you, ask them, ‘Why do you love me so much?’ This sense of gratitude may bring a shift in their perspectives. Bring comfort to each other. Take it for granted that love is there.
If you want any relationship to stay forever, have a common goal. Don’t focus too much on each other. If two lines are moving in parallel, they can last for infinity. But if they are focused on each other, they will cross and then go far away from each other. If both of you have a common purpose, your relationship will last for a long time. But if you are focused on each other and policing each other all the time, it is like the two lines intersecting each other. Such relationships are bound to get messy sooner or later. When couples focus on achieving something or contributing to society, they become much happier.
I have two suggestions, one for men and one for women. The tip for women is, don’t hurt the ego of your partners. Apply the skill to make your partner understand. For example, if he is about to make a foolish decision, don’t tell him that directly on his face. Be a little innovative. You can say something like, ‘You are brilliant, but I think you should also consider this idea.’ Then put across your idea. The tip for men is, don’t hurt the emotions of your partner. Be careful of respecting her friends and family members. And take out time every day to meditate for a few minutes. Then, true love dawns in your heart. Then purity, clarity, and commitment naturally become a part of you. The ultimate relationship is when you can relate to your Self 100 per cent. Then wherever you go, you add charm. You find love, charm, and beauty in anyone you meet.
